The October Phone Call

Ten years ago I said good-bye. He was leaving for a job in Europe. He blew me a kiss as the door closed and then he was gone.

Life goes on when the man you thought was “The Guy” walks away. While I dated a few guys during the years, nothing really happened. I even kissed a toad or two. Ok, it was three toads and one ba-ad rooster. My life was like a tearjerker paperback novel, I was the main character wooing after her man. I was off my rocker for months after he left- like Bugs Bunny when he didn’t get his carrot, Huck Finn without his raft, Van Gogh without his ear and me without my man.

It took a long time but I finally got his cute image out of my head. I finally stop drawing creepy hearts with our initials in them. I ceased to grab guys walking down the street who looked like him. I used to grabbed them and yelled with fresh tears running down my face, my former lover’s name and weep deeply into their armpits. (I am only five feet)

One day in October, I got a phone call. The name that was on the phone took my breathe away. My knees shook, my heart missed a few beats and my palms got sweaty. And that was before I answered the phone! Never mind my legs, it took me a few minutes after the call to be able to run into the bathroom to throw up!

We spoke for awhile and decided to meet up.

And I met him. He walked up to me and said Hello. And I returned with a smile and a Hello.

He is mostly the same minus the hair. (oh how I miss the hair, oh so much!) He is a changed man and I am grateful for that. And after ten years, I am different also.

We decided to try our relationship again. Maybe the second time is the charm?

 

Foods we Ate

Back in the good old days we ate what our parents gave us. Did we think of it? No. Did we wonder about all of those chemicals, dyes and such in our food? No one gave it a second thought.

Now, I am wondering what was in the food I ate and could it turn me into something non-human by the time I reach middle-age?

Everything now is ‘natural’ and pure. Ads on T.V. say that todays foods for kids are now chemical free, anti-this free, no more that free, color free, fat-free, trans free and flavor free. But, this makes me shiver like someone just walked over my undug grave.. My generation was eating the same foods but with all the tasty chemicals, full fats and nasty colors. I should also state we all turned out fine.

Don’t kids need to eat all the bad stuff so their systems in their bodies get use to the stuff? Isn’t it like getting a flu shot in the arm. You get the shot which has some flu in it so your body gets to know it and realizes its not good for you. So next time you get the flu, your body will fight it. I believe it is the same for children’s food. We give them all the chemicals and such at a young age so by the time they are adults, their bodies are use to it.

Back in the age of non-free foods, we the public didn’t know the chemicals and such we were eating were bad for us. Hell, we couldn’t even spell the names of some of the chemicals.

So my question is: What the hell did we eat for all of those years?

What is sitting at the bottom of my colon right now and not moving? What oily junk is staring at my little organ right now and grinning at it as it swims in my blood vessels in the opposite direction? Am I woman or chemical woman? Do I have any super powers at all? I should with all of those chemicals I ate for most of my life.

What held my Mac and Cheese together? Was that real ice cream? Was all fruits and veggies sprayed? Will my fingers turn into misshapen claws before I hit sixty? Will I start to grow hair in places I don’t want any?

In some ways, I didn’t have a say in any of this because I was just a child. I ate what my mom made. There was three of us, so lunches were easy. We had only one hour to leave school, eat lunch and then run back. Dinners were plain and good. Meat, veggies, soup like most dinners- like most families.

Today is different. No longer is it acceptable to use a lot of chemicals and such in can goods or to spray our fruits and veggies. Natural and pure foods are in style and that is the way it should have been than and now. It is also great that we are starting to treat our livestock much better before they become dinner.

We have come a long way since I was a child, but, we still have a long way to go. No more pesticides that can leak into our water system. No more G.M.O. No more one company owning the food supply.

I am hearing that there are groups of people returning to the land by having local farms, little plots in the cities. I have one near me. Its a garden where there are garden plots for people who want to grow their own veggies and stuff. They grow: tomatoes, beans, carrots, onions, potatoes, pumpkins, all kinds of lettuce and so much more. I think it is amazing.

I believe the chemical age for food is still here and must be replaced with a food chain of natural foods. I think smaller inner city gardens is one key to the problem and I also believe huge profits in the food business is another big problem that keeps food away from the needy. Isn’t food a basic right for all on this Earth?

As I finish typing this, I feel like my fingers are curling and my ex-ray vision is starting to spray little atoms around my living room. Its time to take a walk or leap around town….

Do Dogs Wear Thongs?

Isn’t the world going a bit crazier or is it me?

I was reading an article a few weeks ago about a new store in an area of a city where they were selling clothes to humans that matched their pets. Let me get this straight, you can buy an outfit for your pet and then the store can match an outfit for you, the human. The world is going nuts in a doggie bag!

Could you picture me walking down Main street with my two turtles wearing matching suits. I can see the three of us wearing matching green capes. (to match their eye color, of course!) They would flow over their shells and mine would flow down my back. When a slight breeze hits us we would look like three little peas in a pod! Picture it if you can?

Have we lost our minds or our we so bored that we spend our times (and money) matching our outerwear with our pets? Do these people match their underwear also? Do their dogs wear thongs?

Am I the only one to think this is a crazy thing to do? I mean if nature wanted dogs to wear clothes their mommies would put on their first tutus. I also bet that these animal moms would put better clothes on their kids! When you see a bull-dog in a tutu and he is eyeing you with mercy with those cute, pleading eyes to get him out of there, you know the human/animal world is out of sorts.

Ok, enough about the tutus, but a dog is a dog. They are what they are. The problem starts when humans dress them to be something else. You all know what I am writing about……..you cannot turn a dog into a monkey, even if you dress it like one! Animals do have dignity and I see it slipping as humans dress their pets to be another animal. It is a disgrace to animals everywhere! I wonder what they are thinking when you are shoving their paws into a monkey suit?

I do love my turtles. I take good care of them. When I got them they became my duty to look after them and that means feeding them, taking them to the vet and making sure their home is right for them. I believe most owners do take care of their pets to the highest degree. But let me make it clear, my turtles are my pets not my children!! I did not have them, I got them. I did not produce them, They were a gift from a friend.

Pets are given or bought. Sometimes I truly think the line has been blurred. Pets are not children and I would love to be there for the first women to deliver a dog.

I think us humans have too much time on our hands and sometimes too much money lying around.  But next time I see a big bull-dog wearing a tutu I will scream and maybe next time you might too!

 

Zip It-

Shut the hole! Please shut that dam hole. Don’t you know it’s open? Can you not feel the draft? Isn’t it cool down there? Shut it down, please!

I am standing in the subway, minding my own business when my eyes land upon a man standing in front of me with his male zipper wide open. I know it is open because the fabric sticking out of the hole is the same color as his shirt.

My eyes want to move, but for some strange reason in the cosmos my eyes cannot leave the zipper area. I try to look in a different direction but my eyes on their own strength, pulled their way towards the dam hole. What is a person to do? I could point to him and pantomime his problem so he can fix it but I thought of that for a minute- but it didn’t feel right as the train was so full.

While I was looking I was thinking how deep the hole looked, when was the last time I had sex and why a grown man could not feel any extra breeze-y feel down below when he left the washroom?

Life sometimes leaves you with a time- sensitive problem. I am sorry to say I left this man on the train with his hole wide open as I stepped out.

My final question is how could a male not know the hole is open? Is it a male thing? Does it not feel cool down below when the breeze hits? Is there a book about this and other male stuff?

 

 

My View On Unemployment-2018

It is October 25th and the leaves are falling. It is getting cold and windy outside and  nights are getting longer. The rain is finally coming for the winter season.

I look around my community, my city and see a lot of people out of work. They live out on the streets, in cardboard boxes and under blankets. Or, they are forced to take minimum wage jobs which is $11 something an hour. It doesn’t cover shit on the west coast.

I have thought and thought about the jobless people and what they can do to get work. I have sat for hours and ate junk food by the pound to get my mind wrapped around this problem. I have travelled during my past work with an empty mind and reflected and pondered this question. My gosh, I think I got it! Bare with me as I unroll my big plan.

Sit back and be amazed with my untried and unstudied plan that can work if we all try.

First- It is October and if we start now, we can tape all the leaves back on the trees. This can fool Mother Earth into thinking winter just passed. C’mon I know you might be smiling right now but the idea sounds good and employable. A little paint job to the yellow leaves will do also. All the trees, all the leaves, all the jobless people. As winter is seasonal like Christmas, this job can start in late September or as needed.

As the world’s oceans are getting much more polluted by the minute, my second employment creation is to paint the flag colours of the world counties on the pollution itself. This way when we get chunks of it to the shore, we just break it into the pieces of the country it belongs too. Then we can mail it to them!

My third idea and one of my better ones (I think) is the problem with all kinds of fish in the oceans. Some are almost extinct like some sharks and some we are over fishing. Every country has a different view about this topic so I came up with my view and plan. We paint our own fish with our own counties name. That way we know exactly who owns what in the oceans. If the fish, shark or other living thing as no name it goes back into the water! This position is yearly as it can be done by the sea or on the boats.

My last example of a plan for work is the fact that the east coast needs rocks. Think of this as a prevention plan. I truly believe that the mountains in the west will not be helpful when the ‘big one’ comes. Do we need the Rocky Mountain Range to make an earthquake violent-er? No we don’t.  I say we just get rid of the rocks by replacing them to the east. Think of the employment in this plan? Holy moly! From trucks to rail, from human carriers to diggers, thousands of people will be working for years!

I know you are sitting in your chair looking at this smiling or not… but think of the unemployment level if we do this….will people think I am crazy? Sure they will as they eat their initial coded fish brushed with water based paints.

But- Does anyone have a better solution?

 

Two Men and One Female

One man is sitting in a subway train. His head is partly covered. His eyes roam left to right, quickly and unfocused. He smiles to no one, yet he smiles to all of us.

One guy is standing in the same subway train. He is near the doors, leaning against the plastic side panel. His ear is attached to a phone and all of his energy is being spent- listening.

One female is sitting at the end of the row of seats. Her arms are full of shopping bags from a local food store. She keeps looking straight ahead, never to the left nor to the right.

Three perfectly unrelated people going to different places on a weekend? I thought so too till the female gave the hooded man a short unknowing- to- everyone- else- but- me nod. It was a slight movement of her head. I just happened to see it and no one else did. What am I to do with this information? I followed them to the next set of trains. I felt like the old story cop. The cop who must know the ultimate truth of this mystery, no matter where it leads me. So I move on just behind them.

My blood quickens as I lean against a small space of unused wall, watching and waiting. I see the female first. She looks ahead and slips onto the second escalator. The first man is way behind. He walks slowly. He heads to the second escalator like the female. She is almost at the top and he just gets on.

Watching both get on the escalator my job is done. I leave the station, wondering if I am right or wrong. Do they know each other or is my mind playing games on me? Maybe I am just a bit bored today?

My Hairy Legs!

I was looking for something under my bathroom sink a few days ago.
While my head was in the dark cave under the sink, I noticed I had a bunch of razors. Unused and still wrapped.
I got the razors a long time ago on sale. I have so many, I can mow the park with them!
Well anyways, I bought them to shave all my hairy body parts including my legs.

The trouble now is, what hair?

I like to believe that it is the time when the tables of life, change. The male of our species I believe are about to grow hair from their ears and noses. I cannot seem to stop holding my side from laughing to hard! See how Nature gives than take-th away!!

Is this my time to toss those razors out? If I toss them out, what does it really mean? Is this part of menopause? With such ‘o-pause’ happening around me, should I keep these razors for the future, just in case a really hairy ape..oh… I should say man drops from the sky into my bedroom?

What is next on the menopause list of enjoyment activities? Because frankly shaving was not one of them.

Now I have another problem. What to do with the extra space under the sink?
Lets see, extra vitamins just for women..hmmm. I can fill it up with wrinkle cream, cold cream, acne cream, hemorrhoid cream…….