It has been awhile since I have put pen to paper or should I say fingers on computer buttons?
This past few months have been to me an internal form of hell.
I have been and still am learning new and not so wonderful things about me and my past.
How come this knowledge is taking place now, when I am 50? Not when I was younger and could change more about me and my surroundings?
My quest for information has led me to re-think about my family and other people who were close to me. I am talking about relatives and other relations.
I am not sure if it is too late to change, most people might disagree? I do know that this phase in my life is making me tired. It seems like my mind is always on 24 hours a day!
A thought that has come up is the way I think of my parents. The idea of my parents being real people is seeping into the perfect bubble I have made for them. My parents did no wrong, maybe just like yours?
Right now I am not ready to tell what is happening to me. It is very personal and yes, it might change your view about me. Hell, it changed my view about myself! I will only say that it is good ( still,I am not double jointed) and no, I did not murder anyone!
All I know is that my head is swimming in a pool of mixed up thoughts and emotions. It is the first time in my life that I am feeling that I am on a real journey of some kind.
Is this what the 50’s are for?
Having to look back on my life and re-evaluate is mind numbing and it makes me unsure. Unsure about me, my life, my friends and anything else. (in-between all this stuff, I am looking for work, ha!)
Don’t get me wrong, finding new things about me is great. I am finally understanding why things happened this way and now my life is finally making more sense.
So, I will walk this path till I get to the bottom of me and truly try to understand what I need too. This way I hope to have a less bumping road ahead! Is this wishful thinking?
Thanks for listening!